John Mayer - Perfectly Lonely (Battle Studies Full Album Version)

I can relate to the song and lyrics right now

.:Love:.

Are we still In Love? I have been feeling lonely lately. Is this suppose to be a job as a girlfriend or is it something that I'm suppose to just have my open arms and embrace it. Is this another sign of us growing apart from each other? One reason that I could think of right now is finding a new place moving in it and wanting to live with others. I was looking forward to finish because I wanted to help but I think once the move happens I will have a better idea where I am in the relationship. It sucks to feel that I still don't know where to stand since we decided to make this work once again. I feel like I haven't done enough or have not met your expectations. I have been trying to balance everything that is happening in my life right now. Is my time for you not enough? I find that I am comforting myself already and not seeking for yours or wait a minute, whenever I seek for you, it's always the wrong timing. Maybe I need to be independent once again or someone needs to hit me with a hammer saying wake up, that's all you have with him. It's really harsh to think this way but I don't know the reason why it's giving me these thoughts. Am I not doing or fulfilling my duties as a partner? or as an individual? I have nothing else to offer. I don't have my education it's put on a hold AGAIN, a job that is not permanent, and a future that is on hold..Is there any room left to LOVE?

.:I miss you:.

I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you!

Do you get what I'm saying? :'(

.:Why?:.

Why do I...
always have to ask for a kiss?
always have to ask if you love me?
always have to ask where you are or what are you doing?
always have to be the complicated one?
always have to be misunderstood?
always have to fail?
always have to be stepped on, bullied or picked on?
always have to be wrong?
always have to be the one understanding?
always have to be patient?
always have to be the nice one?
always have to be giving?
always have to lie?
always have to sacrifice?
always have to give way?
always have to get the left overs?
always have to make mistakes?
always have to be the imperfect one?
always have to be less happy?
always have to say yes?
always have to feel that everything is okey even if it was not?
always have to pretend?
always have to be or pretend to be perfect?
always have to be the smart one?
always have to make the right decisions?
always have to support myself?
always have to be ending up alone when it comes to problems?
always have to ask if I'm missed?
always have to ask if I'm doing my job as a gf, daughter, sister, friend..?
always have to be looking for a job?
always have to worry and think?
always have to be judged and questioned?
Why me?...

.:Before I Die:.

I would like to have done this with you...before I die...
~Watch an NFL game live..with your favorite team. I've seen a CFL with you already
~Watch a live NBA game with at least one of your favorite team
~Watch a hockey game
~We have been on a short plane ride together but a longer one would be fun too!
~Go to Europe, Japan, Australia, and South America with you..
~Buy a place condo/house/apartment together
~give you a healthy child
~lose weight and look perfect for you
~finish reading the BIBLE with you
~go on a cruise
~ride a roller coaster *check when we were in San Diego
~roller blade at the park
~scuba dive with the sea creatures
~paint a symbol of our love for each other
~snowboard on a snowy mountain
~witness you cross a stage by accomplishing something you enjoy and been wanting for yourself
~finish reading a book with you
~bake a cake or muffin
~visit to Jerusalem
~visit the Philippines with you
...

.:Repeat:.

So I was not successful in my Nursing Arts final. I needed to get 75 marks out of 100 and I only got 65. I was disappointed in myself because I changed most of my right answers. Now I just have to accept the fact and hopefully I get in this January 2011 with the Generic class. I really hope there will be a spot for me and I believe that everything happens for a reason. I need to surrender this all in order for it to work not just for myself but if this is your will...

.:Brrr:.

Ey,
so I stayed home all day and I only went out to get the mail. Boy it was freezing cold!!!I hope I can take the cold weather tomorrow when I go to school. Anyhow, I was able to do some research again and cooked dinner for my mom and sister. I boiled egg, broiled milk fish, and boiled tomatoes. Yummy dinner. I need to lose weight though.

I also got an over all mark of 68% in Healing. I am so happy to have passed that stage and now I have 2 left I hope to do the same and do well in my exam and integration. Thank you for guiding me Lord. I ask for more guidance and emotional support as I am going through something in regards to my self esteem and confidence.

Alicia Keys and Beyonce Put It In A Love Song Music Video

.:Long Nap:.

I apologize that it has been almost a week that I have not been giving my POV and thoughts. I have been quite stressed lately especially with my exams and weight gain. I have been looking at the mirror and I don't like what I see. =S it is unfortunate but somehow I just don't have the urge to be around people anymore. I always have a problem with what to wear because I'm getting very conscious with my body and afraid to be picked on because I know how it would affect my self - esteem.

So I'll just do a quick re-cap of my week. Last week I started off by cramming for my Healing exam which I wrote last Thursday >.<. It was a bit hard but I will find out on Monday the results of my exam and will know if I have to re-take Healing class. I was able to help my mom out on Friday while she had her bible study group here at home, I was able to look after the little kids. It was also Lovey's first day @ Bench, and he was exhausted that day working for more than 16hours. =S. He said he enjoyed his first day and made new friends. Then Saturday, was a long day for me. I started off by waking up early because of the neighbour, not sure what they were doing but I heard banging sounds, then headed to work @ Cheyenne for four hours which ended up a bit tiring oh and It snowed! Then I went home took a nap, headed to Danika's 7th birthday party in Burnaby and then to Jubail's baby shower. I did not get home until about 1am. =S It was worth it because I was able to spent half of my day with my only Love and the one who will loved me unconditionally. Then today's day was great, I was able to watch my love's game with our good friend Marivic, Marvin and baby Sarah =D. They were cheering for Alvin and I was gladly honored to be taking care of Sarah as they enjoy the game =D. We also had our dinner @ Pin Pin because it's they're last week here already. I didn't get to say goodbye. Now this week, is just about to begin my stress level is not getting any better. I have 2 more exams coming up and that is my not the end of it because I still have to do good in them because I have no more supplemental exams left. >.< I'm starting to feel the stress in my body, my upper back and left shoulder has been bothering me, my left hip feels like it is getting dislocated when I do a certain movement. I just look forward for this holidays to relax and prepare myself hopefully for the Practicum and Preceptorship. I also want to make a special mention for tito Leo and Tita Chona praying for me today.

Lord, I just lift up to you my heart as it is very fragile at the moment and my emotions that are very low and down. I am already feeling like I do not deserve to be around people who cares for me. I know I am not suppose to feel this way, please guide me and show me the light to walk towards to the right path. I feel like I'm alone and have no more chance to feel happy about myself.

Jeepney Love Story - Yeng Constantino HD

.:Serenade:.

So I slept in today. Attempted to finish off my research but I did not start until 1pm =S. I did some review for Healing exam. I better do a lot of studying Tuesday night and Wednesday the whole entire day >.<. I drove my sister, Mama and James to the lawyer and as I wait I was able to read a little bit of my healing notes.

My bestfriend Jr called me just to see how I'm doing. Lovey checked up on me which I like and love a lot because it just gives me the feeling of him having to remember me even we're apart.

I was able to finish my part of research, watching the boxing fight on our HD (recorded) and now my love is serenading me with a lot of songs..=D giving me the good heebie jeebies..and did I mention I love it when he does the dougie? =D hihihi...

Lord I pray for my sister Chellsa's cysts on her breast. Please heal and make the cyst benign, i pray for guidance and wisdom for my upcoming exams. Guidance for my sister Kaye and Emalean. Continous guidance for Love and I's relationship. My mama's health and keep her from any harm and give her the strength when she goes to work and does work at home.


Sunday: I woke up beside my love, did some healing reading, had all you can eat lunch at Sui Sha ya but it doesn't taste as good anymore, then went to support my lovey while he plays basketball. =D

Saturday: Worked 10 hours, while I skype with my sister the boxing fight but it was blurry. Then I met up with love and his friends after my work and had some chilling time at OC.

.:Cutted:.

I missed about 6 days of not writing here and boy a lot has happened...

Tuesday:
I had my PG exam I thought it was really good and the challenging part was the multiple questions part instead of the essay question. Then lab in the afternoon was a bit of a drag. I also got to try my first respirator mask "fit test".

Wednesday:
I slept in, attempted to do school work but I ended up helping my mama with the house hold chores. I finished her laundry and folded them, put away the dishes and cleaned some dishes. I was also able to do my laundry. Then I went over to lovey's place we had our all you can eat fish for dinner and a movie night. We watched The Grown Ups. It was pretty funny. My sister Emmy and James got into an accident, and we didn't find out until the evening and the accident happened in the morning. =S

Thursday:
Slept in beside my love, watched the movie I rented Sex and the City 2. It was alright. Then went to Downtown for a little bit to drop off lovey's paper works for his new part time job @ Bench PC. Then he brought me home and we put mama's christmas tree together. it was a good bonding moment. He watched his thursday night football, basketball and hockey while i fell asleep beside him. Then I drove him home.

Friday: Slept in again, tried to do school work and I was able to do a little bit until I had to help out my mom at home, drove my sister, james and mom around so we can find a walk-in clinic but failed. Drove my mom to her bible study, drove em and james to wonton house. I thought I buy my love groceries at season's mart and surprised him. I got to Lovey and looked forward to his tight and squeezable hugs >.< We watched a movie at home with his "brothers" John and Daniel. Got dominos and wings. It was yumm-O and this drink that lovey bought me to taste. I'm looking forward to drink it tomorrow after work. =D. Too bad I won't be able to watch the boxing fight.

Lord, I know I have not been disciplined with using my credit card, I ask for guidance and continous blessing with my relationship with my family and especially my love Alvin Lescano. Please guide us with our walk with you and be able to understand and respect each other as our journey proceeds and continuously give unconditional and eternal love for each other.

.:Waves:.

So it was just a relaxing and study day for me today. I finally got my wax and a first time for a mini facial. It hurt a little bit but my black heads are taken out. Thanks to Hannah for being patient. I cooked lovey longanisa for lunch but he just decided to not take lunch and come home early =D. Then we skytrained to his new part time job Bench @ PC mall to drop off some paper work. I'm proud of him that he got a part time job. I just hope that he balance his time for work and play and for me. =D. Anyhow so I studied for PG and I feel 70% confident, I just need to review again tomorrow morning to get the examples in my head but the concept itself I have in my head already. We had dinner @ Ki Sushi and grabbed our new favourite at WAVES Dark Belgian Hot Chocolate =D. Lovey's Steelers (NFL)won 27-21 vs. Bangles. Now he's playing his PS3. I finished reviewing for my exam tomorrow, but I'll refresh it again tomorrow morning. I also started my Integration research for Case 5. I hope to do more during break after exam tomorrow..Looking forward to starting my weekend after tomorrow! Thank you for blessing me financially with having to have extra borrowed money. I ask for guidance and control of using my credit card.

Thank you for the wonderful day once again. I better get reading on the His/Hers book..i hope to finish it soon so we can start on our second book =D

.:Alone:.

Here's the list on what happened this weekend.
Friday: I watched a bball game of Douglas College vs UNBC mens/womens both lost. Boston Pizza with lovey's mature friends which I actually enjoyed. Sleeping beside my only love was the best moment ever and waking up beside me makes me feel protected.

Saturday: I went home, I found out my sister Kaye didn't go home to sleep at home. I never thought she would have done it at a guy's house. Anyhow, went to WalMart with my sisters while waiting for my mama to get off work. I went to ate Ayame's baby shower. I saw some old friends but we didn't stay that long. Then lovey got a hair cut (mohawk) at Metrotown. He looks so fly now. ;). Then we didn't know what to do afterwards so, we checked out Drinks Lounge on Columbia, New Westminster the verdict? not bad at all. I have been enjoying my alone dates with my love =D. Gives me more memories to look back to. It was a good, romantic, fun date.

Sunday: I witnessed one of my friend Jubail and Henry's small yet intimate wedding. I thought it was very memorable and meaningful as it was my first time to witness something like that. Lunch at their place along with Henry's family and our good friend Marvin, Marivic and baby Sarah. Then I went to support Lovey's bball game, unfortunately they lost but my love played his very best and I am so darn proud of him. I just worry sometimes when he gets hurt >.< =(. Then we went for another dinner date at Wings on Kingsway.=D It was his first time eating there so I wanted him to try it. It was a nice dinner once again.

Lord you have been great to me all day. Thank you for giving me the blessings for today. I give you back all the glory and honour. Thank you for keeping me humble and at peace.

.:Ponder:.

Ephesians 4:31-32

"Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. 32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you."

Regine Velasquez - Been Waiting (2010 Video & Lyrics)

Regine Velasquez - Been Waiting (2010 Video & Lyrics)

One day...I will...

.:Bench:.

I was able to sleep in a school day today. We had a healing review and It helped me quite a bit on what to focus and study for the final exam. I really need to do well on this exam as I was not too successful with the 2nd one. Anyhow, I also did my catheter check out which went A Okay!. I did not miss any steps and I was able to do the procedure according to the "book". Lovey had an interview at BENCH downtown today, He said that his interviewer was a damn son >.< =S gave me a little bit of a worry. I do hope that he gets the position as he has been wanting a second part time job. =D I just hope if ever he gets hired he will still have time for me, be happy with the job, and not to be short tempered because of always being tired.

I got my monthly visit last night so, I was not feeling well this morning, good thing I bought my advil at shoppers i spent about 47 dollars on my pads and necessity for my monthly period =S. I was able to pay some of my student loan and jysk too.

Anyhow, so I went home to my mom's in delta. Had a little bit of talk with my mama of how she was so shocked when she found out that she was going to cut the ribbon for their Grand Opening of WalMart Super Centre.

I decided to finish my perceptor sheet and I called this particular person that works at Burnaby hospital and just asked nicely if they take student from VCC. I was glad to get an encouragement on I should keep doing what I do, and when I was asked where I was picking my perceptor she went on by saying "Maybe you just picked the ones that close to your boyfriends". I was in shock when that came out of her mouth. What did she mean when she said that? I felt insulted. I told myself one of these days, when I see her I will approach her and clarify what she meant by that and her reason to say that because she does not know me well enough.

Lord, please guide my heart as it is vulnerable at the moment, and anoint my lips as I prepare to speak with this person. I know that at times I judge, but I make sure of it that it does not have any other meaning but it is more of my honest opinion.

Thank you for a wonderful day once again and for my loved ones being by my side.
All that matters to me are my mom, my sisters, my relatives and lastly my Love Alvin.

.:Toy story 3:.

It's our 58th months as of today and I got to spend it with my Love. I went home to my house in Delta for a little bit, then I went to school for an open lab practice for my catheterization skills check out for tomorrow. I was able to practice, I just need to remember the one small step that I've been missing which is opening the catheter itself and placing it on my sterile field and doing my "airplane field" on the perineum. Oh yea I took a power nap on the skytrain on my way to school so I woke up feeling refreshed. It was such a nice day to enjoy and commute outside today. The colour of the leaves and the sun just making them stand out more is telling me that it is really the fall season.

I wanted to go to Anna's bakery to grab something for Love to surprise him but he just told me to come home. Anyhow, I was going to cook tocino for our dinner but Love just decided that he'll have his whopper wednesday and I have my flatbread sandwich from Subway.

I also watched Toy Story 3 with Lovey. It was a good movie and it made Lovey teary eyed in the end. =D.

p.s. He teased me today and I liked it! hahahahaha too bad the visitor came.


Thank you for blessing us with more days with each other and for the entire day that you have given us, travelling mercies and the food we ate.

.:Schanks:.

Monday evening I went to Catherine's bday dinner at Schanks at Starlight Casino in New West. It was a nice bar very big with mini golfing area as well as lots of pool table. We will be going there again. I had fun that night with Love and his family, good laugh and watched my love's favourite sports, hockey, football and basketball..all happening at the same time! whew! Lots of big screen tv's i tell yah.

Tuesday was just a school day and I was half paying attn and half not. I was a bit tired. Probably because Lovey was not beside me during my sleep. I was so sleepy and was late for 5 mins. >.< I got to learn the sensory system, burns and urinary system. It was our last healing class and not I need to prepare very well for my Healing final as I didn't do great on my last one.

Wednesday is our MONTHSARY actually our 58th Monthsary =D Glad to have waken up beside you this morning =D. Just gives me the heebie jeebies..whenever you give me the hug everytime we're in bed...and ofcourse all the time =D. I will make a special note on another entry..=D I love you.

.:Go wear your up dawg!:.

This entry was suppose to be done yesterday but I kinda forgot. So anyways, I did a lot yesterday with my one and ONLY ALVIN LESCANO! First I went to pick up Love, guest what he was doing, watching his usually seasonal show...NFL =D. I don't mind because I like watching it with him. Then we went to Braid Stn to meet up with Sarah and Marivic so we can go trick or treating at Guilford Mall. Sadly, they didn't have one this year. We also met up with Ate Kaye, Jubail, Amor and Henry. So we just ended up eating in the mall and having a few laughs. Lovey took Sarah shopping. =D

Then we got dropped off at lovey's house, and we headed to his bball game. And all I can say was my love did his best game ever. Not so much points but I liked how they had all team work and assists. It was such a close game that lovey took the 3 pts. shot and tied the game which led them to a 2mins. OT. They still won! by 3 pts. whew what a nerve racking game. Lovey got nervous though, I knew why because he missed his 2 foul shots. Then we left and decided to have dinner at Congee House! We had our usual Duck Congee and ordered the house special fried rice to go as pasalubong for mama and emmy.

Lovey came over and spent time with me. We watched the funniest home video and just spent time together which is the most wonderful thing when i'm with him. Then I dropped him home.

Yesterday was a great day and today will be the same. Thank you Lord for the rain and for a goodnight sleep.

p.s.
Alvin: Go wear your up dawg!
Lannah: What's up dawg?
Alvin: Nothing much, yourself?
Lannah and Alvin: hahahahahahaha

p.p.s I want to thank my Lovey for helping my mama put up the Christmas lights. Good thing we put it up already. =D I love you so much