.:Partner:.

So I had a really had an interesting night. I cried to sleep. It started off by my sister Chellsa asking me "ate, how are you" and I cried myself out so much that my pain had to be let go somehow. I have been feeling this pain for the past almost a month and a half. Someone already finally had thought of checking up on me, besides God. Anyways so I opened up to my sister Chellsa, of how i'm in pain with my relationship with Alvin. I felt a bit better after crying it all to her, she also prayed for me. Which gave me a sense of comfort. So today, I woke up with swollen eyes and knowing that My Love will be coming over to drive us to Abbotsford today. I did not know what to expect or do. I felt a bit awkward because I have feelings for this guy and I don't even know if he feels the same way. If he didn't feel the same and I see him a lot it just hurts me more. So we finally started talking after a few games of ping pong at my sister's bible college.

And so Love said that he still loves me. I just forgot if he's still IN LOVE with me. He also told me that we were getting to fast in our relationship. We lived together already, and according to him it was just too fast. I just wonder after 5 years I thought a lot has happened already. A lot of our friends even say the only thing missing it to get married and have children together. But at this point in time basing it on what he said by us being too fast in our relationship is that He wants to start everything new again. There's just one question that came across my mind, Does that mean we have to renew the last 5 years of our relationship together? For both of us to actually find out if we're the one for each other I have to wait another 5 years of my lifetime to find a lifetime partner?

Although I also thought wouldn't dating couple have been decided to get married because they want to grow old together and find out more things about each other as an individual...it's part of the relationship...or could it mean that he's just not in that mentality yet.

Honestly, I'd want to be married with someone that will take care of me as long as he can and grow with me through faith, as well as be the best friend I ever had as long as I am still living. I NEED a MAN who has no doubts, fears, and second thoughts with his decision as long as he has thought of them ahead of time. I'm not asking for someone spontaneous but for someone to have me as a privilege to be part of his life and be considered as one of his many blessings.

I need a partner that will understand me however circumstances I am in, whether i'm in a bad, sad, lonely, happy mood and you name all the emotions. I want to be able to share that with him as well as his own emotions. I will pray that I will be the same in treating my partner as how I want to be treated; with respect, importance and not humiliated with what he has which is ME! =D.

...Around 9ish pm the door bell rang. I got scared because we're not expecting anyone..Emalean opened the door and it was to my surprise my Love Alvin. He dropped off my bus pass that I forgot to get from him when I dropped him off. It was my reason to offer him a ride home. It was still worth it because, "i'm not suppose to see him" but there he was at the front door. he was a little hesitant with giving me a Kiss (that got me sad) because again it gives me reasons why he's doing that to our relationship. I want to know his motive and reasons. He kissed me before. Does he not have any spark or chemistry whenever he kisses me? or Is it just a kiss of showing PITY? (Love, I know that one day you'll get to read this. I would like an answer if that's okey. So I know it's just fair for me to know and not be left so clueless on where I stand)

Lord I surrender everything to you and I know in your will everything and every pieces will be put together somehow.